Redemption Song

"Won`t you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
`Cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -"


  That song has gotten me through some rough times..it just soothes the soul..and honestly, now is one of those times..i'm having a very bad day..my little girl is regressing again and i don't know what to do..i feel helpless knowing she's trapped inside of herself..
 the past two days have especially been rough..my mother and i took marlee to freehold mall yesterday..thought it would be a nice day out after being stuck in the house after the hurricane..we went to sears b/c my mother wanted to get marlee her new sneakers for the fall..she saw a pair of Dora sneakers and insisted that she have them..so the woman measures her and gets her shoes..ok we're doing good..then when its time to buy them she goes into tantrum mode..throwing her self all over the floor, tried to hide behind displays and knock them over..screaming and kicking off the brand new sneakers my mom just bought her..with the whole shoe department looking..and when i look up from her i see four grown women just staring at my baby..the woman behind the counter tells me shes just jealous of the new baby..yea that makes sense..shes getting all the attention at the moment..savannah is fast asleep in the carrier..i tell her and all of the on lookers that she has autism..immediately the stares go from marlee to anything but her..

says it all

  we got to lunch and she only wants ice cream, french fries and ice..she ate mostly ice out of my mothers soda..she sensory seeks cold..she loves ice pops too..so when its time to leave friendlys she drags my mom all over..anytime you tell marlee "no" you can just expect a fit..but something really set her off..she wanted a tiny dora stuffed animal..that she already had..i contemplated buying it just so she didn't freak..the lady informs me that it's $10..for a stupid stuffed animal..no way..marlee loses it..on top of tantruming, she now becomes violent..i'm carrying her to the disney store so she can see the princesses and she is slapping, kicking, punching and clawing at my face.. 
  we go into disney and she calms down..until she tries to hit me with a princess wand b/c i told her we have to go buy it..i honestly thought it couldn't have gotten worse..i was wrong..i strapped her in her stroller and all but run to get out of the mall with my child who is now screaming like i am killing her and violently thrashing all over..stares..head shakes..pointing..i take deep breathes and then decide to try and calm her down..i get her to stop screaming..we go to the car and she falls asleep from being exhausted..
  now today i tried to take her to ocean county mall with her friends..we were just running in to get my best friends lil boy his first day of school outfit..meltdown after meltdown..we're not even there a half hr and we have to leave..empty handed..marlee was thrashing so bad i couldn't get her in her car seat..tiff had to help me..i shut the door and begin to sob on tiffany..i feel defeated..
  i have a behaviorist coming to the house on thursday afternoon..i'm hoping she can help me..i'm desperate..i feel sad that my baby has to feel like this..to go through this..it's not fair..i still fight guilt that maybe i did something to cause this..was it the shots? was it something i did when i was preg? i'm her mom..i should be able to help her..but i'm stuck..which direction do i go in? should i try the radical diets? she only drinks milk..would taking that away help or harm her? should i inquire about more intense therapies for her? unfortunately there is no magic answer. no potions. just trial and error..and it sucks.. 
"Won`t you help to sing
These songs of freedom?
`Cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs,
Redemption songs."