Don't Worry, About a Thing...

  Well, today started out calm enough..got up, fed the kids, cleaned and then it was time to get ready for speech therapy...all hell decided to break loose..Lately Marlee does not want to get washed..fights me like crazy..i think it's a sensory thing..just getting her into the upstairs bathroom is a fight..so, because i made her get washed, she was off all day..
  Her speech teacher came at around 1..and everything she had in her bag of tricks annoyed Marlee...she didn't want to play with anything. she asked for an ice pop (one of the few things she actually eats these days) for her to take one bite and say "yuck". well at least she's talking! the therapist and i discuss how the past few weeks we see a change in her..she's going a little backwards again..she only has vocabulary..she doesn't put words together in a sentence..we've been working on "I Want..." for a while now and she still needs prompting.. she likes to line things up in a nice neat line and she also likes to walk in a straight line..like on the one color of tile at the mall..when the tile turns toward a store it sets her off.. 
 i suppose i should be grateful she is as high functioning as she is..and i should be grateful that she can say words..i know this..she's considered moderate on the spectrum..but there are just some days, like today, that seeing her having difficulty just doing normal things breaks my heart..Autism makes you feel helpless.. It encompasses your entire life..you want to do anything you can to help make her more comfortable..but when your kid is headbutting you and biting you in a store because she's overwhelmed it takes everything inside of you to stay calm..today we ran out of the little cupcakes she likes from the grocery store (this wk she picked out white) so she asked me "cupcake?" i went inside only to find we were out..great..so i told her very calmly that they were all gone and asked if she wanted a cookie..this turned into a screaming kicking, throwing, herself all over tantrum..i got smacked and bit a few times..but that's normal for her..as long as she doesn't hit the baby.. 
 luckily my husband was home..he helped me calm her down..but after that one, i lost it..i just sat on the floor crying..i ask daily, in a moment of weakness, "why me? why my kid?" after a few minutes of this i get my thoughts straight and realize that it could be much worse..there are sick children who will never get better..my daughter has special needs but is physically healthy..and i am grateful for that..
 And through all this, Savannah is a little angel..she's such a good baby (THANK GOD!) She is our little ray of sunshine..everyone, including Marlee, adores her..When Sav is crying Marlee will run up to me and say "crying!" so i go pick up Savannah and Marlee will help me by kissing her or holding her hand..and she melts my heart in the process..

my tattoo for Marlee..Three Little Birds has been her song since she was in my belly.."Don't Worry, about a thing, cuz every litle thing, is gonna be alright..."

Mommy's little sunshine!