sigh

she was doing so well but tonite she went haywire..we rearranged our living room..didn't think it would up set her..she seemed fine before bed..she woke up screaming and attacking me in her sleep..she screamed and threw a fit for about an hour until we came down stairs..its 4 in the morning and shes dancing to yo gabba gabba..she couldn't sleep b/c her brain was racing b/c we changed the living room..i brought her down here and sobbed..it hurts so much that she has to go thru this..i don't think i'll be sleeping tonite

Hallelujah

The past few days have been amazing..Marlee took herself off milk and her bottle..let me tell you..i feel like my baby woke up!!!! she's talking more, eating a variety of food and her fits are few and far between!! i am just ecstatic..i think our prayers have been answered..we are slowly removing dairy and then eventually i will take out gluten..i know she is still autistic..but maybe with diet we can help her have a "normal" life..hopefully she will just keep getting better and better..our next journey..potty training haha

Jammin'

well i'm happy to report marlee had a much better day today :) i have been tossing around the idea of getting a kitten for marlee..she loves animals and i think it'll be good to get her "energy" into something productive..it'll be a new routine..but instead of getting one kitten..i got two..couldn't help it..they are sisters and didn't want to be separated..i wanted the runt of the litter who is brindle and has a beautiful face..and my husband wanted a black cat..i couldn't just pick one.. 
 when i came home with the kitty's, marlee was sleeping..so we got everything set up for them..when she woke up, she was fussy..but i told her i had a surprise  for her..she went in the kitchen and squealed with delight! she yelled "kitty!!!" she is drawn to the black cat..craig named her luna..i named my cat lucy but i'm gonna call her lu lu..
  watching marlee tonight felt awesome..she had a good day..only one fit..and a good night..which makes everyone happy..tomorrow her behaviorist is coming to try and help us with the change in behavior..wish us luck! 

lucy

luna

Redemption Song

"Won`t you help to sing
These songs of freedom? -
`Cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -"


  That song has gotten me through some rough times..it just soothes the soul..and honestly, now is one of those times..i'm having a very bad day..my little girl is regressing again and i don't know what to do..i feel helpless knowing she's trapped inside of herself..
 the past two days have especially been rough..my mother and i took marlee to freehold mall yesterday..thought it would be a nice day out after being stuck in the house after the hurricane..we went to sears b/c my mother wanted to get marlee her new sneakers for the fall..she saw a pair of Dora sneakers and insisted that she have them..so the woman measures her and gets her shoes..ok we're doing good..then when its time to buy them she goes into tantrum mode..throwing her self all over the floor, tried to hide behind displays and knock them over..screaming and kicking off the brand new sneakers my mom just bought her..with the whole shoe department looking..and when i look up from her i see four grown women just staring at my baby..the woman behind the counter tells me shes just jealous of the new baby..yea that makes sense..shes getting all the attention at the moment..savannah is fast asleep in the carrier..i tell her and all of the on lookers that she has autism..immediately the stares go from marlee to anything but her..

says it all

  we got to lunch and she only wants ice cream, french fries and ice..she ate mostly ice out of my mothers soda..she sensory seeks cold..she loves ice pops too..so when its time to leave friendlys she drags my mom all over..anytime you tell marlee "no" you can just expect a fit..but something really set her off..she wanted a tiny dora stuffed animal..that she already had..i contemplated buying it just so she didn't freak..the lady informs me that it's $10..for a stupid stuffed animal..no way..marlee loses it..on top of tantruming, she now becomes violent..i'm carrying her to the disney store so she can see the princesses and she is slapping, kicking, punching and clawing at my face.. 
  we go into disney and she calms down..until she tries to hit me with a princess wand b/c i told her we have to go buy it..i honestly thought it couldn't have gotten worse..i was wrong..i strapped her in her stroller and all but run to get out of the mall with my child who is now screaming like i am killing her and violently thrashing all over..stares..head shakes..pointing..i take deep breathes and then decide to try and calm her down..i get her to stop screaming..we go to the car and she falls asleep from being exhausted..
  now today i tried to take her to ocean county mall with her friends..we were just running in to get my best friends lil boy his first day of school outfit..meltdown after meltdown..we're not even there a half hr and we have to leave..empty handed..marlee was thrashing so bad i couldn't get her in her car seat..tiff had to help me..i shut the door and begin to sob on tiffany..i feel defeated..
  i have a behaviorist coming to the house on thursday afternoon..i'm hoping she can help me..i'm desperate..i feel sad that my baby has to feel like this..to go through this..it's not fair..i still fight guilt that maybe i did something to cause this..was it the shots? was it something i did when i was preg? i'm her mom..i should be able to help her..but i'm stuck..which direction do i go in? should i try the radical diets? she only drinks milk..would taking that away help or harm her? should i inquire about more intense therapies for her? unfortunately there is no magic answer. no potions. just trial and error..and it sucks.. 
"Won`t you help to sing
These songs of freedom?
`Cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs,
Redemption songs."

No Woman, No Cry

  

If you know me, you know I am completely obsessed with pictures.. I had Marlee in picture people every two months up until the baby was born..Sav just turned two months so i figured it was safe to take her to the picture place (kinda germy with all those snot nose kids!)I had planned on Marlee wearing blue and Savannah wearing yellow but Miss Marlee decides she wants to wear yellow too lol

sisters <3

  The picture session goes great! the girls pose their lil butts off..but while we're waiting for the pictures to upload..i notice Marlee starting to get geared up..i'm in trouble..She runs my poor mom ragged through the mall (sorry mom!) and when it's time for her to come back in the store to chill out, the tantruming starts..so we get outta picture people with a few minor tantrums..no biggie..as we're walking through the mall we see those stupid little rides (that use to cost .25 which now cost $1..can you say rip off?) and she likes to sit on them..they don't have to move..she just sits on them..but they put a new one in..its like a virtual ride..of course she wants to do it..she sits her turn and when its over she wont come out of the ride..so i tell her that the other little kids need a turn and its time to go..tantrum after tantrum..i put her in the stroller in one of the stores b/c she keeps hitting me..you would think people are use to 2 yr olds screaming in stores..but no, they are staring *sigh* this makes me put my guard up and i get defensive..so i announce to the staring people that shes two and shes going to keep continue screaming b/c she's not getting out of the stroller..that made the on lookers continue with their shopping.. if you ever see a kid throwing a mega monster fit, there's a good chance they are autistic.. if you can help it, please don't stare..i'm sure that parent is trying their best..there is no reasoning with them..anything can set them off..lights, sounds, people..

  we make our way to the car..my mom puts her in the car while i get the stroller in my trunk..i give her a hug good bye and start to cry..she tells me it'll be ok and i know it will..but i just tell her sometimes it's so hard..i hate to sound like i'm complaining..but some days it's just completely exhausting..

  the rest of the night she was a good girl..she was super silly at dinner..she  took a cherry tomato out of my salad and put it in her baby stroller for a walk LOL i was cracking up..

  Tonight, poor Savannah has such bad gas :( she's been up crying for about 3 hours..she's starting to settle down now..i hope my poor baby feels better soon! 

  Tomorrow we are going to my parents because of the hurricane..hope everyone stays safe..prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

Rise up this mornin`, Smiled with the risin` sun,

  Today my little sunshine Savannah is two months old!! yay! She is really starting to become an active little girl :) Today i was changing her and she looked at me and was giving me big smiles and started cooing..so we went back and forth having a little convo..Marlee wanted to join in, so i picked her up and she kissed Sav's kicking foot hehe

she's so silly

  Marlee was in a better mood today..she had her usual fits about the shower and getting dressed..but i let her pick out her own outfit today so she was happy about that..she even matched! she's 2 years old and extremely smart..she can count to 20, identify and name all her colors and shapes..including octagon and rectangle..but i think her favorite is oval or "obal" as she calls it lol she is also starting to say "yes"..she would only say "yea"..which is what i say but i guess its not proper grammar..oops :/  ...she's def coming along with the pronunciation of certain words..
  My parents came over tonight for a visit and Marlee was in her glory! she is a Papa's girl..she loves her grandma too of course but she and my father have had a bond since she was a little baby..my niece always went to my mom, marlee with my dad..i wonder who Sav will go to more lol 
  Tomorrow, i am attempting to take the girls for pictures..ahh wish me luck..Marlee is normally a little ham but she hasn't been for pictures since April..i usually take her every two month..yes i have a picture problem lol..i hope she likes the photographer b/c our normal girl isn't working tomorrow..boo..So i'm thinking navy blue plaid dress for marlee with a yellow outline..and a white dress with yellow flowers for Savannah..i'm not really into exact matching outfits so i hope the color scheme works..and that my kids behave..lol

Savannah and our dog Daisy

  This weekend we're expected to get slammed with that lovely hurricane..we will be going to my parents house because we are surrounded by trees and don't want to take the chance of one of them falling on our house while we're in it..
  i ran to the supermarket today..yea that was absolutely a nightmare..people were insane..and rude..but now we're stocked up on non perishable items just in case we lose our power..which i pray we do not..no TV for Marlee=freak outs and tantrums for us..no bueno.. but we're gonna hope for the best and prepare for the worst! hope everyone stays safe and dry! :)

Mommy's Sunshine is 2 months old today!!!

Don't Worry, About a Thing...

  Well, today started out calm enough..got up, fed the kids, cleaned and then it was time to get ready for speech therapy...all hell decided to break loose..Lately Marlee does not want to get washed..fights me like crazy..i think it's a sensory thing..just getting her into the upstairs bathroom is a fight..so, because i made her get washed, she was off all day..
  Her speech teacher came at around 1..and everything she had in her bag of tricks annoyed Marlee...she didn't want to play with anything. she asked for an ice pop (one of the few things she actually eats these days) for her to take one bite and say "yuck". well at least she's talking! the therapist and i discuss how the past few weeks we see a change in her..she's going a little backwards again..she only has vocabulary..she doesn't put words together in a sentence..we've been working on "I Want..." for a while now and she still needs prompting.. she likes to line things up in a nice neat line and she also likes to walk in a straight line..like on the one color of tile at the mall..when the tile turns toward a store it sets her off.. 
 i suppose i should be grateful she is as high functioning as she is..and i should be grateful that she can say words..i know this..she's considered moderate on the spectrum..but there are just some days, like today, that seeing her having difficulty just doing normal things breaks my heart..Autism makes you feel helpless.. It encompasses your entire life..you want to do anything you can to help make her more comfortable..but when your kid is headbutting you and biting you in a store because she's overwhelmed it takes everything inside of you to stay calm..today we ran out of the little cupcakes she likes from the grocery store (this wk she picked out white) so she asked me "cupcake?" i went inside only to find we were out..great..so i told her very calmly that they were all gone and asked if she wanted a cookie..this turned into a screaming kicking, throwing, herself all over tantrum..i got smacked and bit a few times..but that's normal for her..as long as she doesn't hit the baby.. 
 luckily my husband was home..he helped me calm her down..but after that one, i lost it..i just sat on the floor crying..i ask daily, in a moment of weakness, "why me? why my kid?" after a few minutes of this i get my thoughts straight and realize that it could be much worse..there are sick children who will never get better..my daughter has special needs but is physically healthy..and i am grateful for that..
 And through all this, Savannah is a little angel..she's such a good baby (THANK GOD!) She is our little ray of sunshine..everyone, including Marlee, adores her..When Sav is crying Marlee will run up to me and say "crying!" so i go pick up Savannah and Marlee will help me by kissing her or holding her hand..and she melts my heart in the process..

my tattoo for Marlee..Three Little Birds has been her song since she was in my belly.."Don't Worry, about a thing, cuz every litle thing, is gonna be alright..."

Mommy's little sunshine!